I told someone I’m dating that two of my partners were going to meet. He asked me if I was nervous.

Interestingly, that thought hadn’t really crossed my mind.

I’ve been functionally practicing kitchen table polyamory for almost three years. And my polycule is so kitchen table. I literally got a drink with my boyfriend’s wife last night—yes, without him. And no, we didn’t spend the whole time talking about him. We mostly laughed about how we showed up in the same outfit. I’ve dubbed it the bisexual uniform of the east — a black turtleneck, jeans and heeled boots.

I adore the community aspect of kitchen table polyamory. I have a strange relationship with my family of origin due to a combination of distance, lack of effort, and good ol’ childhood trauma. Thus, creating a family unit is more ideal for me. As someone who doesn’t really want to have children, building community through polyamory is my preferred option.

So, two of my partners met. Both of them cis-het men. I think most women have a similar fear of a chest-pounding-pissing competition in this scenario. Thankfully, I’m attracted to the type of golden retriever boy that solidifies my standing as a bisexual stereotype. So, instead of whipping out their dicks to figure out who was ultimately the superior man, they went straight for hugs and warm handshakes. The narrative was one of “it’s finally so good to meet you!” as if this was simply inevitable and long overdue.

Before I was better acquainted with polyamory, I would hyper fixated on whomever my partner was dating. They’d turn into this THING — this obstacle that manifested all of my anxiety. I would think of all the ways I found myself to be TOO much, and would see my as metamour better than me in all of those ways. They would be cooler than me, more chill, more put together, more attractive, and obviously better in bed. I would wonder if he’d rather spend time with her than me. In reality, he appreciated us for separate reasons.

Once I decided to face my fears and meet my metamour, I realized how HUMAN this person was. I realized how internal I was being–how small-minded my thought process was. I know now that I was inevitably overcoming the conditioning of mononormativity. I was learning that my metamours are more than someone who is everything I am not. My metamours are more than what they provide for my partner, and they are more than what I perceived they take away from me. They are a person all of their own.

So many of us do this, though. We turn real humans into simple obstacles. We turn them into the reason we struggle. But really, we struggle simply because we struggle. And that’s okay.

I don’t really feel all those feelings about my metas anymore. Mostly, I feel curiousity. I wonder how our mutual lover has come to appreciate both of us. In what beautiful ways do we mirror each other? Where are the obvious differences? I always joke about how similar me and my boyfriend’s wife are. After all, we have to reach out to each other before going to the same event to make sure we don’t wear the same outfit. And yet, there are defining differences: she is more subtle, I am more loud; I run more hot while she runs more cold. (Though, I would not be surprised if she would say the same things in reference to me.) Still, when you look at it, Alex has a thing for bold, creative women.

It’s hard for me to see someone as a part of my life until they meet my partners. Maybe because dating happens in these tiny secluded moments, often at night, in the dark, on my bed. They just feel bigger than they are because we demand so much attention in that time. For someone to meet Alex or Ivy is to put them into perspective in my life. Look—how do you fit? Sometimes they don’t. But, thankfully, as I understand how to navigate relationships more and more, they often do.

When they don’t, my loved ones are the first to notice. Alex has often predicted how a relationship’s of mine would end after one meeting. I’d hate to boost his ego, but he really knows exactly how to see past my rose colored glasses. Maybe that’s why I often leave these meetings with a sense of relief. It’s a confirmation that I didn’t fuck up this time. That I can truly let someone in. When you’ve made a dozen mistakes concerning love before, you start to trust yourself a little less.

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"When is the right time to disclose to potential partners that I'm non-monogamous?"

Hi Aaron, I totally get what you're saying! Sometimes it is a little nerve wracking to enter monogamous spaces as someone who is non-monogamous. You never know who may reject you simply for that purpose. However, I find it's best to simply disclose non-monogamy in a way that is natural to the conversation. When I meet folks who identify as monogamousI tend to simply mention that I have multiple partners. Usually I'll say something like "my boyfriend's wife" or "my girlfriend's partner" or mention multiple partners in conversation. If you are single, it's obviously less easy to do that. My suggestion at that point is to be straightforward, and mention that you just don't envision yourself in a monogamous relationship.

I think it's best to disclose non-monogamy at any point of relationship escalation. That means circumstances like when you acquire someone's number, or when you ask them on a date. A sentence like, "hey, before I take your number, I just want you to know that I'm non-monogamous." This is something I even do on dating apps like Tinder where people don't always read a profile before they send a message.

If you want to make it clear that you don't expect this person to become a primary partner, try and tell them what space you have to offer in your life.

• "I'm looking for more casual connections right now."
• "I'm open for most things, but I'm not sure if I have space for a primary/anchor partner at the moment."
• "What are you looking for right now? I'm happy to take things as they are if you are."

You can always reevaluate what's going on between you and a potential partner at a later date. Good luck dating!

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In case you missed it...

Here's the countdown to my next workshop, which is an intro to non-monogamy.​

There was also a post about hierarchy that started a lot of conversation. I'm trying to get better at replying to comments, so definitely feel free to interact!

I also posted a video on TikTok about intentional relating. You can view that here.

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Don't forget to keep in touch...

Twitter: @gabrielleasmith / Instagram: @bygabriellesmith / TikTok: @bygabriellesmith​

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